A Lesson on Self Care

2015 is the year of the Diagnosis. The endless blood tests and prescriptions; vitamin supplements and homeopathic treatment. How does one find a "cure" for an ailment that seems metastatic? My mind is wandering; my memory seems unfettered by short term nuances. I've been clinging on to visions of my childhood in what feels like a haze of a timeline, not quite sure of years or age, or even what I felt back then, only how I feel now going back. It seems useless to try but I insist on downloading the "brain games" and vocabulary apps as my spine continues to curve in disregard. Who knows how many cells I've lost along the way as the column has bent; a serpent cowering into my hips.


"I'd be amiss..." plays in the background of my romantic endeavors; my ex boyfriend haunts my desires and thwarts any self confidence I have. Sometimes, still. Relationships seem impossible to navigate these days, I am not quite sure what I or anyone else wants and so I move from failure to failure. I suppose that's "modern" - attempting to "figure it out" like anyone else is, all of us fumbling with hands out, seeing who will hold on for the night and who might stay a little longer. The concept to me has become tired. After what feels like stepping into so many mishaps willingly, I'm more inclined to refrain right now and go back to square one. I think I need to reassess who I am and who I need. I've been fumbling now for too long.


A mug with Yellowstone etched onto it sits on my desk with coffee and then tea. It's been just a few days since my visit and I already miss the air, the elevation, the way the green and yellow valleys seemed endless. It's getting harder to picture myself staying happy in a city setting after my trips to Vermont and Wyoming. I find myself gravitating toward the isolation and the reprieve from social niceties. I don't feel like I really belong anywhere sometimes and that this is my best option. I like the idea of being alone in a cabin somewhere living simply. It just seems easier than forcing myself to conform to people I don't understand or admire or want to be around.

I know I'm jaded, or misanthropic, or bitter, or any word that seems similar but I've been trying to be optimistic for a long time and I think I've finally come to a point where I don't see the point in this anymore. Reality is what I should be facing and accepting and I think for a while I became absolutely delusional about my future with out of reach daydreams and wayward hopes for a romantic partner. The reality is that I actually don't feel lonely and sometimes when I lay on my sofa and watch tv, tea nearby and fresh out of a bath, I actually even feel grateful. I know someday I will look back and realize this was one of the most peaceful times of my life.