I used to feel socially adept. Whatever that meant. Parties, bars, clubs, team meetings, workplace relations, neighbors. But now, as I entreat farther and farther into myself and isolation, I don't know how I was ever more than a bystander, a witness. Now all I feel is rage and jealousy watching people fall in love, have careers, move across state lines and have lives.
I don't feel as if I have friends right now, which is also my fault and also just a result of evolving into a shell. I don't want to go out and get drunk or get high. I'd rather just get completely wasted at home, where I don't have to worry about the ride home. But I haven't been able to drink much anyway with two wisdom teeth out and infections and health and the same old story as usual.
I don't feel as if any part of me has the energy to keep fighting and pretending anymore.
Who are these people in my life?
Who are the people that matter?
Before I used to feel like I was pressed to make decisions, but I had the opportunity to be in school and buy time. Now that's it's over, I don't have a shield. I'm more muddied than ever mentally with two muddied degrees with no sense of absolute clarity whatsoever.
I know this is time that I am forced to face my life and make decisions, The Big Ones.
The ones that dictate how you travel through your future.
But I feel option-less.
Wallowing in an overwhelming pool of identities.
It should be easy, shouldn't it?
Kids don't even hesitate. Then later as adults they re-adjust to reality and get on with it.
But I was the girl who wore costumes all the time and picked a different profession almost monthly.
Getting the costume on and off is easier than playing the part.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
"I used to feel socially adept. Whatever that meant. Parties, bars, clubs, team meetings, workplace relations, neighbors. But now, as I entreat farther and farther into myself and isolation, I don't know how I was ever more than a bystander, a witness."
ReplyDeleteI know this, too. I ask myself over and over again, "what happened? when and why did this change?"
Going out isn't worth the punishment I put myself through afterwards for feeling like a fool, for not saying the right things, or fitting in with my peers.
I know only too well that back then I thought that I thought I was socially challenged. What scares me the most is the possibility that in five years time I will look back and think that I was socially adept now, at this current juncture in my life. Which means the worst thing possible, that it only gets worse with time, instead of the other way around.
I don't know. Was it me or the crowd? It's hard to see clear lines. All I know is that I've changed quite a bit when I am in public and I think a lot of this has to do that so much of my time in New York is spent alone. Just being simply alone. And for such a prolonged period of time, I've gotten used to just my company. I feel like I have no concept of interaction anymore. I think so much of me has just shut down. I don't know what the future holds, but I don't even know if I want to change.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I've just been hurt too much by too many people. I can't see past this anymore.
I'm too comfortable with my own company, always have been. And I think this makes it all the harder when trying to assimilate, with my peers at least.
ReplyDeletedefinitely.
ReplyDelete