it is August now

The sun is merciless and the heat emanates from the pavement so that every landscape blurs and weaves into red and yellow. The air conditioner in my mother's house lulls and struggles. I have yet to find a place to move to, to live. The fans are on. I feel the air on my face in dizzying cascades that result in nausea mid-sleep. I am tired now. Fairly. The days passing by into weeks, these weeks now months. Fall is approaching but not yet. It will be late this year since the rain came on time.

I have no concept of pacing myself. I shoot forward with no hesitation but on my days off, like today, I reverse. There has been no time to move on, just layer so that every time I see him, I still feel the instant urge to wince and can't decide whether it was me or him, or whatever it was, really. Long nights, daily conversations, striking similarities, overwhelming differences. But, at last just a name on the list, I figure. Just meaningless actions again assumed to be something more. My own sense of self-reflection only creates more questions and less answers. Too many doubts. Could it have ever been more? Probably never. A cloud of doubt, all of it. And I know that this, still, is exactly why nothing between us worked. All traces between us removed. Gone. Nonexistent. It's been months now. Sometimes I miss him.

I care too easily for people with no concept of reservation for those I fall for. But as I grow older I realize that I might not be in the capacity to meet anyone who would do the same for me and I am less and less attracted to the opposite sex as a whole. I do not want to be temporary. I want to be allowed to be myself. But I want too much because I want it all, I want to be adored as a whole unconditionally. I want someone to be as infatuated and curious with me as I am with them. But maybe there really is just no one for me out there at this time. Right now. Lately.

And this is exactly why I work tirelessly with little complaint. With no free time. With no time to think. Through days off, through lunch, through promotions and constant deadlines. I figure if none of the men have met me and think I am worthwhile, maybe it is just time to stop meeting men at all.